I'm Guilty

There are so many things bothering me lately. Things in the past that i did, they're haunting me.

I'm guilty for not respecting my father. I always thought that he was a big burden for my mother. I've always wanted to see him make the ends meet for my family. I hated him for I didn't grow up with luxuries in life that I often see in my classmates and cousins. I hated him for being so strict and too disciplinarian that everytime I hear his voice it seems to me that a lightning has just struck my ear. I hated him for not doing always the household chores when in fact he is always at home. Now I hated myself for hating him. He is a good father. All I saw in him was his negative side. I never realized not until I grew up that he did try his best to pelase us. He was an all around father. He knows how to cook. He wakes up very early every morning just to cook our food for breakfast and baon. He even bakes cakes and pastries for us. He knows how to sew. He fixes our worn clothes, he made a customized bag for us, he tailored our uniforms, he made bedsheets, seat covers and curtains for our house. He knows how to do carpentry and mechanical works. He repairs our house, made a cabinet for us and troubleshoots our broken appliances. He even made a vegetable garden so that we always have fresh vegetables for our meal. He protects us from burglars and from dangerous people. He did all he could just to pay for my graduation expenses when I was in high school and college. Just to have what we need, he even sacrificed his life for us by going abroad, suffered he terror of his Korean employer just to send us money. I am guilty because when I left for Manila, I forgot his birthday and greeted him 2 days after. He may not be the best financial provider for us but he did everything he could just to prove that he loves us. Wow! what a wonderful father my father is!

I am guilty for not loving my mother as much as she loved me. I know deep in my heart and in my mind that mama loves us so much. I am guilty and I am sad that I couldnt repay her. I hate myself for hurting her. I hate myself for not fulfilling my promise to her. I hate myself for hurting her. She was my inspiration when I was still studying. I promised her that once I get a job Ill give her the best life there is that I could. I am so sorry mama. I dont want to promise anything but as soon as things get normal. Things would be better for us.

I am guilty for competing with my siblings. We used to be a happy not until the moment I realized I was gay. I started to separate myself from my sister and brother because I was afraid that they might not respect me. I hated it when my brother borrows thigns from me. I used to shout at him for doing it. I hated helping them with their studies. I laugh at their mistakes, for me it was success. I was afraid that they might surpass my academic achievements for I knew that they're more mentally capable than I am, its just that I was the more diligent son. I thought that if they excel, nothing will be left of me. Theyre more talented and more physically gifted. I was the ugly son. The boring son. Now that we are older, things got better for them. If only I helped them before, they could have achieved more. I miss my siblings. If only I was a better brother.

I am guilty for not spending too much time with my grandmother. My grandmother made me a good person. Because of her, I excelled in school. She taught me everything to prepare me for grade school. She taught me good values. During her last years, I felt tired takign good care of her. Everytime she calls for my attention when she needed something or when she wants to spend time with me, I normally run just to avoid her. I hated myself for doing it. I miss lola so much. I love her so much. She doesnt deserve it.

I am guilty for not paying too much attention to my father's family because they are poor. I spent much of my growing years with my mothers family. I know all of them. Too bad I only know a handful of my father's family. I thought they were misguided. Maybe it was my father's fault for not letting us spend time with them. It could have made a difference. I always compare them with my cousins from my mother's side. I never realized that they are still part of the big family I am. I am who they are. We belong to the same family. I was blessed for being given a good childhood with good education and right upbringing. I could have shared to them the great things I had.

I am not a perfect person. I know I did things that I regret now. I know realizing my faults will make me a better person. I do hope I would be able to makeup the things I failed to do before. I am so sorry for hurting my family. I am sorry for not being the person you have always wanted me to become.